Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
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Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Maths meets science
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?