Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
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[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Skills
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.