Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
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Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?