[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
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I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Still a very good boi….
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!