From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
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Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed