My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
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Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying