Mommy’s little speed bumps š¬
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“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
I was just discussing this with my cat
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
When I visit my familyās houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what theyāre buying me for Xmas
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying āwhy watch Shrekā¦ when you can BE Shrekā
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless youāre a holiday
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Have sex in the shower? I canāt even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I donāt fall over.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change āare you still watchingā to ālooking good nice pajamasā
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant itās just a salmon sitting there waiting
America sucks rn. Iām moving to the USA!
Me: Hi! Iām here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. Thatās the one.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”