“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
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Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man