me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
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person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
When your man makes a valid point
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes