Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
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I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Art by Pastelkatto
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.