Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
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“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
wow
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
What about a To-Don’t List?
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”