I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
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The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*