[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
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Don’t frighten the programmers!
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Human are so complicated
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
you will never know the true number of layers
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me