I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
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kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
live long and prosper!
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]