[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
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Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.