A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
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Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
hmm conte-me mais
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
for all #parents out there
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.