Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
You Might Also Like
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
They’re called werewolves.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.