If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
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Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
john wicks are toilet candles
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…