[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
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Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
set yourself free xox
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.