Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
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[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive