accurate
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On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.