Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
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so weird how every mom was born today
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
dream blunt rotation
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.