in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
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Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.