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When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
How dude HOW?!