A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
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[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
This is the coolest video you will see today.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.