I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
You Might Also Like
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.