The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
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If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.