We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
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Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Love this guy
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.