If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
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Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.