[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
You Might Also Like
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Mouse
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”