ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
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The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.