You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
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My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem