[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
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You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
superman landing like a plane on his belly
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.