People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
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“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
August 8
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…