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Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
two people or more is called a problem
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.