If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
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Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.