Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
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Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Me when someone tries to get to know me
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]