I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
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me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
If you know, you know
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*