Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
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I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?