When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
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What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
PLOT TWIST:
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Hear me out: his and hers houses.