“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
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Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
I needed a laugh this morning.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Who’s drunk
*raises leg