Grandmother clock.
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Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.