Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
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Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.