Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
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My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
spot the difference
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Here’s a meme
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.