There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
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All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Yup.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
*mops up wine with cat*