Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
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The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u