Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
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Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem