I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
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Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
I’m crying im so happy for them
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.