Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
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[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Is….Is this an option?
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
channeling her this year
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint