“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring